Sinking

I think my experiment in gratitude might be failing.  I will not relapse.  I refuse.  I know all too well where that takes me.  And it is not a better place no matter how far down I think I'm feeling now.  But being grateful for my children or anything else isn't keeping the depression at bay.  Maybe I need to get back on meds even though I don't think they much helped for the many years I was on them.  I want to cry all the time.  I want to curl up in a corner in my closet with a big blanket to pull over me and be left alone.  I want the world to fade away.  I don't want to talk about it.  No one can make it better.  No one understands.  And I certainly am no good at explaining it.  I sit and blankly stare at nothing and I just want to be left alone.  I'm still pushing through and doing all my daily chores and taking care of all my obligations but the blackness is getting blacker daily; the air harder to breathe by the minute; the loneliness more unbearable by the second.  I'm not giving up on gratitude, but I am realizing it's going to take alot more to keep me afloat.  God, if you're listening, I think you might be the only one that can help me right now.  I need your help.  I don't know what kind of help to ask for but I think if anything is going to help it will be some sort of divine intervention.  Please help me.  I'm sinking.