Blessings not Burdens

Since my husband was really more confused by the title of my blog than I expected anyone to be, I feel compelled to write a bit more today.

I will start by saying that I am a very, very, very....did i say very?....negative person.  My brain is programmed to always see, feel and hear the worst, but not only that, it has the amazing capacity to forget anything good that  may happen, no matter how recent.  It also has the surprising ability to glorify the misery of being addicted to heroin while insidiously misplacing the memories of the horrifying consequences. 

So, since I have relapsed twice in the last two years, I have taken some time to reflect on what may have happened, in order to hopefully do something different this time around.  And that, is where "Trying Gratitude" comes in. It seems to me that when I first get clean and sober, I am extremely grateful for just about everything.  I am grateful for my husband, who has stood with me through all my failings; I am grateful for my children, who love me without question; I am grateful for my family; who all pull together to support me; I am grateful for my home; and I am grateful just for one more day to be able to be here for my little girls.

So with this pearl of wisdom, I am hoping to be able to keep an attitude of gratitude.  When I start seeing everything as overwhelming and hopeless and burdensome (which I often tend to do), I have to remember the awful days following a relapse, and the feeling of coming home and being so grateful to have all that I have.  I must not let the negative feelings; the depression; the overwhelming-ness of everyday life, blot out the memory of gratitude. 

So, there you go, this time I'm trying gratitude.