Do Whatever It Takes To Be Effective

This is one of the things I learned in cognitive behavioral therapy on Low 5.  It's a technique they taught, or a quote I latched on to, while in the psych hospital for three weeks.  I can't quite remember.  "Do whatever it takes to be effective".  I try to remember this when I'm feeling overwhelmed.  Just take one baby step towards whatever needs to be done, then another, then another.  It can be motivating when I remember it.

I've been feeling so down lately; like everything is just so difficult.  Normally when I feel this way, I get sucked down further and further.  I don't want to do "normally" this time around.  My sponsor says if nothing changes, nothing changes.  So, I have to change my behaviors if I want anything to be different. 

In the past, I would not call a sponsor every day.  I would not reach out for help.  I would not take time for myself (without feeling guilty).  I would not be honest about my feelings.  I would not socialize.  I would isolate.  I would wallow in my depression.  I would embrace my feelings of being overwhelmed by daily living.  I have to remind myself of these things so that I don't fall back into the same patterns of behavior.  I have my husband to remind me, but that tends to feel like more of an attack than a gentle reminder.  But I don't have to do it on my own.  I do have a sponsor this time around who I speak to daily, who I meet with weekly, who does a good job of reminding me that I need to do things differently if I want to change for the better.

I have 69 days clean and sober today.  Last night I went back to my old group for the first time since last September.  I was very involved in the group before I relapsed.  (I had 8 months clean and sober before I relapsed.)  The people there knew me and I disappeared for almost 8 months.  I was ashamed and embarassed and, even though I knew they would understand, my shame kept me from returning for the last 67 days.  Something in me said I needed to go last night, though.  And with the support of my loving husband, I did. 

It was good to return.  It felt like a weight had been lifted.  Even if I never go back again, I think it was good for me to show my face and admit to people who knew me, that I had screwed up.  I had been hiding from them, and my shame.  So now it's all out there and I'm not hiding anything from anyone anymore.  It feels good.  It may seem a silly little thing but it was a big step for me and my recovery.

Today, I am grateful for the warm, cuddly and sweet times with my daughters.  I am grateful for a husband who can be understanding and give me a rest when he knows I need one.  I am grateful for a sponsor who has really taken an interest in me and my recovery.  As I write, all the things I'm not grateful for are swirling around in my head, dying to come out.  Old habits die hard.  I'm not going to allow them the privilege of being written down here.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.  Today, I am grateful for being able to meet with my sponsor and for my husband who is making it possible for me to meet with her.  I am grateful that I am not physically addicted to heroin today.  I am grateful for a clear head and another chance to do the right things.  I am grateful for another shot at a good and fulfilling life.